Okay, I'm not all that great at reviewing movies and I don't usually comment on the technical shit about movies which everyone else seems to be so aware of. I just get tired of pretentious people who come on TV and say 'the movie is technically very good'. What the fuck?! Either the movie is good or it sucks. Since the last entry in this community was about Kaal, so, this is my review at it. Kaal falls into a category which takes the word 'sucks' to an entirely new level. Lower.
The cynic that I am, I've been accused of 'not liking' movies because I'm prejudiced either against the actors or the theme/plot of the movie. Okay, so, in all fairness, I ditched my prejudices and watched 'Kaal' objectively.
Didn't work. The movie still sucked. Here's why, first, the main actors:
a) Vivek Oberoi: He's the synonym for pussy-fart. Perfect. He's better off giving press conferences and supposedly dating Aishwarya Rai, who, by the way, is the synonym for overpaid bimbette. Did I spell that right? Does it matter?
Oberoi tries to pull this tough guy image off and fails, well, miserably would be an understatement. And his punch-line throughout the movie is 'Cut the Crap'. I wish I could punch the fuck-face and ask him to cut the crap.
b) Lara Dutta: She's got a nice butt. Yum. And she screams her head off at the slightest of opportunities. Ear-plugs, please? Acting? What's that?
c) John Abraham: Acting lessons required. He's dazed and confused throughout the movie. He's the National Geographic dude who goes there to investigate the existence of man-eaters in 'Orbit Park'. Wha..?
d) Esha Deol: First off, what the fuck is wrong with her mouth? It looks like someone punched her jaw and she forgot to get it fixed. She looks like Dharmendra, for crying out loud! Oh wait...
Secondly, she can't act. Period.
e) Ajay Devgan: Being a bad-ass dude doesn't always require you to have a constipated look throughout the movie, Mr. Devgan. Agreed, you're the 'ghost' in the movie and are incapable of emotions and shit, but hey, remember Casper?
f) The plot: What plot? Tigers, bats, creepy spiders, darkness and five bad actors. You get the picture, don't you?
g) The title: Complete bullshit. Doesn't make any sense whatsoever.
Kaal sucks. And using Shahrukh Khan in an 'item number'... The song sucks, Shahrukh's dancing is awful and Malaika is just there to make horny faces at Shahrukh. More butt show. I'm still not happy.
So, that's my second film review. Will this stop people from watching the movie? Time will tell and tell it will.